all i wanted was an average after studying so hard. 3 tests and with 2 tests below average. its not like i din study. i did. and i studied hard. so wats the point anyway? why did i even overestimate myself to choose this kind of stupid course? at this point, besides saying fml, i dont know what else to say. sucks to be me. and seriously, FML.

lies lies lies.

everyday i think i tell at least one lie. in fact, i get the feeling tt everyday i live in is a lie itself. holding on to the lie that 4 yrs in uni doing a good course will ensure i have good prospects in future. i guess no one will actually know if its true. but i guess if i paint a nice picture of my future, at least its a white lie that keeps me going everyday.

sometimes its really tiring to keep lying to hold on to smth. and i wonder, is it that important to keep things by my side?things tt i keep have a certain memory to it. but does it mean that if it is gone, i wont rmb any of the memories anymore? im sure that isnt true..

different ppl have different ways of thinking, and doing things. some ppl will do anything to make sure they dont lose the important things they have in life, be it friends, family, loved ones, ppl and things tt matter to them. some ppl learn to treasure while these important ppl and things are still with them. i believe in the second group.

there's no point clinging on to things. nothing is forever. no one will be able to stay beside me forever.. much as i dont want to think about it, thats life. death is inevitable, and so is the process of losing and gaining. i just dont want to spend too much effort on the things i have already lost, and neglect other opportunities i have. cos i know that even if i lose things and the ppl around me, the memories of them will never fade. sadly to say, not everyone around me thinks like that.

they do all that they can to make sure things never leave them. isnt it tiring? even when i look at them, i feel tired. but well, nothing i can do isnt it? if they dont realise it themselves, there's no way i can do anything to help them. i just feel its a pity. to be able to use their intelligence and intellect to think of and do anything to get what they want. wouldn it be so much more useful to use it on other things instead? im tired of thinking abt the possibility tt someone is scheming, or someone is lying to me. why cant things just be the way they appear?

human beings are born to be alone. thats what i believe in. nothing and nobody that one cant do without. of course, its always good to have someone around you. but that is a gift, a luxury. not smth to be taken for granted. and certainly, not smth that one can keep forever, and stubbornly refuse to let go.

but thats hard to do, i know. im learning too. letting go is not giving up. it is actually a process of taking a step back, and looking at how our previous actions have affected others. yes, human beings are born alone, but what each and every one of us does, will inevitably have an effect on at least one other person. cos we all live in the same place.

dont misplace the trust ppl have in you. if they listen to you, believe you, that is because they trust that you wont lie. but if one day, that trust is misplaced, it might just be gone forever. people wont be gullible forever. perhaps i have the ability to influence what others feel, and what others do. in fact, im sure i have. if i dont do anything now, it doesnt mean that i wont. one day i will run out of patience too. one day i might turn ugly too. one day i might end up like you too. and that will become a nightmare.

but im doing everything i can to curb that side of me. that, is determination. dont misuse tt word. cos i dont think you're fit to use it. i just hope one day u will learn to love yourself, and learn that the world does not revolve around you alone. its alright if you hurt me, but perhaps u failed to see, the person hurting most is not me. its the person u care about most. the person you've been trying to hold on to.

but well, if you're perfectly happy with whatever you are doing now, i wish u all the best. and good luck in achieving what you want. cos besides these, i really have nothing else to say to you.

i cant believe its happening again. it happens like, once every month? how come there are people who pms more than me??

i hate it when i get the black face from people when i dont even know what i did wrong. its my life, the way i do things, and the way we are. does it concern others? no!!! even if it concerns him, i dont think he has a right to treat me like this. it really really sucks. and worse of all, i dont know how to solve it.

if this happens every month, by the end of 1 yr it would have happened 12 times. i seriously dont know how i am gg to put up with it. and i dont know how we are gg to put up with it. i know im getting on your nerves and you have to look at it from both sides. and you are being caught in the middle. i will try to ignore, but it is just so blatant. what did i do wrong???

f*** off. seriously. even my mum dont bother so much. why should he??? i dont know what i did to step on his toes. all i know is that. its affecting my mood. its affecting us. could you please, when u find a chance to, tell him all these? keep his attitude to himself. i dont want to be an area where he can vent his frustration. and i most certainly dont want to walk away cos i din do anything wrong at all! just dont push me into a corner cos i dont know what i will do. this sucks. big time. sucks to be me.

i Remember when zhiyong asked me about what my 2 languages of love are. i told him service and time. i like to do things for ppl, and i also like to spend time with them. but i like to write too. so i guess, thats my third language of love. words come in 2 forms, to write, and to say. i prefer to write. in writing, most harsh words are reduced to subtle forms. when saying them out, i tend to be rasher.

6 months have passed pretty quickly. i can still rmb the days filled with confusion and sadness. when i used almost everything else to numb the pain. that was almost one year ago. i never did imagine things will turn out this way, and eventually it did.

but i guess life will never turn out to be a fairytale. everytime something will go wrong. although we quarrel more often on our differences, rather than over other people, that one inherent problem is still there. after all these time, i've come to realise that, things never end perfectly.

then what do i want? haven i already gotten what i want? but humans are greedy. we always want more. at times, you look over my shoulder and demand to know who am i smsing, what am i saying. i play around with you by refusing to let u know. but im perfectly okay with showing you. cos i have nothing to hide.

on the other hand, i cant say the same about you. to the extent that when i see your phone beep, i look away. now i wonder, why? once, i tried to be open about it. and when you saw that i was around, you put your phone down. something to hide perhaps?

what is wrong now? what is happening now? more troubles? hospital woes? family problems? i can wait. i will wait. the thing is, everyone's patience has a limit. i dont know when i will reach my limit. neither do i know how to bring it across to you. when it, and you, still matter to me, i want to let u know.

to me, it just feels weird. sometimes i wna be an ideal person and say that sure, you can always remain frens. but deep down inside, i wonder, is it what i really want? is it too much for me to ask that you slowly stop contact? cos from what i see, its still the same. the same long smses. im not too sure about the frequency, cos i've grown tired of glancing over. why am i doing tt anyway? since i have nothing to hide from you, shouldnt you too?

look at your message threads. whose is longer? perhaps mine is. but im sure the other isnt shorter by alot. im tired. tired of thinking about when this will end. how many more months do you need? another 6? 12? 24?...

i know you care about me. you spare a thought for me. you know it is unfair to me. knowing all this, and thinking, planning what to do next is a whole different thing. for you at least. 'its going to end soon' may i ask.. what is the 'it' referring to? the problem? or my patience limit?

sometimes before i sleep, this will come to mind. sometimes i tell myself to talk to you abt it, but i cant bring myself too. everytime i see you, i always feel very happy. but inevitably, when im alone, what bothers me deep inside starts to surface. i've learnt to compartmentalize. to not think about it when im with you. each day i bury it deeper and deeper. hopefully it wun surface so soon. but sometimes it still peeks out.

it hurts alot, to realise im hiding things from myself. not wanting to face it cos i dont know how to face it. i tell myself everything will be over soon, and i cling onto this belief. because i care, because i dont regret, i continue to do this. will you be the hero as you have always been, to pick me up from this mess?