lies lies lies.

everyday i think i tell at least one lie. in fact, i get the feeling tt everyday i live in is a lie itself. holding on to the lie that 4 yrs in uni doing a good course will ensure i have good prospects in future. i guess no one will actually know if its true. but i guess if i paint a nice picture of my future, at least its a white lie that keeps me going everyday.

sometimes its really tiring to keep lying to hold on to smth. and i wonder, is it that important to keep things by my side?things tt i keep have a certain memory to it. but does it mean that if it is gone, i wont rmb any of the memories anymore? im sure that isnt true..

different ppl have different ways of thinking, and doing things. some ppl will do anything to make sure they dont lose the important things they have in life, be it friends, family, loved ones, ppl and things tt matter to them. some ppl learn to treasure while these important ppl and things are still with them. i believe in the second group.

there's no point clinging on to things. nothing is forever. no one will be able to stay beside me forever.. much as i dont want to think about it, thats life. death is inevitable, and so is the process of losing and gaining. i just dont want to spend too much effort on the things i have already lost, and neglect other opportunities i have. cos i know that even if i lose things and the ppl around me, the memories of them will never fade. sadly to say, not everyone around me thinks like that.

they do all that they can to make sure things never leave them. isnt it tiring? even when i look at them, i feel tired. but well, nothing i can do isnt it? if they dont realise it themselves, there's no way i can do anything to help them. i just feel its a pity. to be able to use their intelligence and intellect to think of and do anything to get what they want. wouldn it be so much more useful to use it on other things instead? im tired of thinking abt the possibility tt someone is scheming, or someone is lying to me. why cant things just be the way they appear?

human beings are born to be alone. thats what i believe in. nothing and nobody that one cant do without. of course, its always good to have someone around you. but that is a gift, a luxury. not smth to be taken for granted. and certainly, not smth that one can keep forever, and stubbornly refuse to let go.

but thats hard to do, i know. im learning too. letting go is not giving up. it is actually a process of taking a step back, and looking at how our previous actions have affected others. yes, human beings are born alone, but what each and every one of us does, will inevitably have an effect on at least one other person. cos we all live in the same place.

dont misplace the trust ppl have in you. if they listen to you, believe you, that is because they trust that you wont lie. but if one day, that trust is misplaced, it might just be gone forever. people wont be gullible forever. perhaps i have the ability to influence what others feel, and what others do. in fact, im sure i have. if i dont do anything now, it doesnt mean that i wont. one day i will run out of patience too. one day i might turn ugly too. one day i might end up like you too. and that will become a nightmare.

but im doing everything i can to curb that side of me. that, is determination. dont misuse tt word. cos i dont think you're fit to use it. i just hope one day u will learn to love yourself, and learn that the world does not revolve around you alone. its alright if you hurt me, but perhaps u failed to see, the person hurting most is not me. its the person u care about most. the person you've been trying to hold on to.

but well, if you're perfectly happy with whatever you are doing now, i wish u all the best. and good luck in achieving what you want. cos besides these, i really have nothing else to say to you.