i Remember when zhiyong asked me about what my 2 languages of love are. i told him service and time. i like to do things for ppl, and i also like to spend time with them. but i like to write too. so i guess, thats my third language of love. words come in 2 forms, to write, and to say. i prefer to write. in writing, most harsh words are reduced to subtle forms. when saying them out, i tend to be rasher.
6 months have passed pretty quickly. i can still rmb the days filled with confusion and sadness. when i used almost everything else to numb the pain. that was almost one year ago. i never did imagine things will turn out this way, and eventually it did.
but i guess life will never turn out to be a fairytale. everytime something will go wrong. although we quarrel more often on our differences, rather than over other people, that one inherent problem is still there. after all these time, i've come to realise that, things never end perfectly.
then what do i want? haven i already gotten what i want? but humans are greedy. we always want more. at times, you look over my shoulder and demand to know who am i smsing, what am i saying. i play around with you by refusing to let u know. but im perfectly okay with showing you. cos i have nothing to hide.
on the other hand, i cant say the same about you. to the extent that when i see your phone beep, i look away. now i wonder, why? once, i tried to be open about it. and when you saw that i was around, you put your phone down. something to hide perhaps?
what is wrong now? what is happening now? more troubles? hospital woes? family problems? i can wait. i will wait. the thing is, everyone's patience has a limit. i dont know when i will reach my limit. neither do i know how to bring it across to you. when it, and you, still matter to me, i want to let u know.
to me, it just feels weird. sometimes i wna be an ideal person and say that sure, you can always remain frens. but deep down inside, i wonder, is it what i really want? is it too much for me to ask that you slowly stop contact? cos from what i see, its still the same. the same long smses. im not too sure about the frequency, cos i've grown tired of glancing over. why am i doing tt anyway? since i have nothing to hide from you, shouldnt you too?
look at your message threads. whose is longer? perhaps mine is. but im sure the other isnt shorter by alot. im tired. tired of thinking about when this will end. how many more months do you need? another 6? 12? 24?...
i know you care about me. you spare a thought for me. you know it is unfair to me. knowing all this, and thinking, planning what to do next is a whole different thing. for you at least. 'its going to end soon' may i ask.. what is the 'it' referring to? the problem? or my patience limit?
sometimes before i sleep, this will come to mind. sometimes i tell myself to talk to you abt it, but i cant bring myself too. everytime i see you, i always feel very happy. but inevitably, when im alone, what bothers me deep inside starts to surface. i've learnt to compartmentalize. to not think about it when im with you. each day i bury it deeper and deeper. hopefully it wun surface so soon. but sometimes it still peeks out.
it hurts alot, to realise im hiding things from myself. not wanting to face it cos i dont know how to face it. i tell myself everything will be over soon, and i cling onto this belief. because i care, because i dont regret, i continue to do this. will you be the hero as you have always been, to pick me up from this mess?
